Wednesday, November 16, 2005

More Bad News

Today is my ultrasound day. I made a mistake of going to Women’s Hospital when I was suppose to go to St. Paul Hospital this time. Luckily since I was very early I made it there even though I was late 20 minutes because I couldn’t get a parking spot. FYI, St. Paul is in downtown.

I met the nicest radiologist who did my ultrasound. She is a Canadian born Pilipino. Too bad that the news just getting worse. Since my case is so unusual, she brought in 2 specialists to do the ultrasound as well. They all found out that now the placenta has grown into my bladder. My worst nightmare….. I saw that the placenta already grow into half of the bladder wall. I wonder if the doctor has to cut half of my bladder and have to reconstruct/make a new bladder out of what left of my bladder… how tiny is my bladder going to be? Will I have to go to the bathroom every 4 hrs or less???

I also overheard their conversation about my uterus wall being so thin that almost doesn’t exist… what is this again???? Is bad news never ending????

From the ultrasound room, they sent me straight to have MRI. It’s my first time, and I hope it’s my last. I hate every seconds I have to stay inside that tube! I felt like being confined in a coffin!!!

It’s hard to have to face all this alone. I don’t blame my husband for not being there because he has to work. And beside, even though he can accompany me to the hospital, I will still be alone in that MRI machine. But I was so depress that I kept making mistakes when I drove home.

I am in my 27 weeks right now. It won’t be long before I have to have the surgery. I wonder… with all the bad news, from the placenta growing into my bladder and then the uterus wall being too thin… when will my doctor told me to stay on the bed for the rest of my pregnancy???

I am running out of time… that’s what I feel. I am not finish yet with preparing for the baby. But yet every time I plan on going to a baby store… there seems to be something that prevents me from going. Like bad weather… Sunday is not a good day.. too crowded…etc…. I miss this opportunity of preparing for my son's birth ( I was on bed rest the whole pregnancy )and I don't want to miss it again with my daughter.

I wish my husband can support me more by listening to my worries. So far I think he is in denial because the reality or the risk is too high. He can be a widow by next year with 2 kids to take care.
Tonight I told him what I wish him to do in case I die. I told him to make sure that my daughter will never grow up feeling guilty if I die from childbirth.

Don’t say that I think too much….

My family has been in a Funeral business for 8 generations. I know that death can come unexpectedly. It’s always good be let your love ones knows your will.

About having faith….I don’t think I know too much about it. But one thing I know is that having faith means having enough faith that if God wants to call me back home, He is going to make sure that the people I left behind will be taken care off.

For now… all I can do is begging for God to spare me from this trial. I feel that this trial is too hard to bear. I couldn’t imagine of not being there to raise my children.


Anonymous said...

Be strong Yohanna. God will always be with you. From someone in Melbourne who's visited your blogs a couple of times.

S-U-S-A-N said...

Dont be afraid ,God will help you through this difficult time. He will give you more strength, so you will be healthy after the surgery. Keep praying..

eliza said...

i wish i could live closer to you that way you have someone be at your side whenever you need me!

i'm praying for you family every day...god works in mysterious way, remember that.

Fiona said...

Yo, I believe if God has given you strength & taken care of you so far, He will be with you for the rest of your walk ...
You've been & will be in my priority prayer list now ..